This stemmed from the belief that telling others would make me vulnerable I felt humiliated about not being able to get words out when put on the spot, and inferior to others who clearly coped better in such instances. I was always thinking 10 seconds ahead to substitute any word that started with one of my trigger points – anything beginning with “m”, “b” or “k” is almost guaranteed to trip me up.īut none of these methods tackled the root of the problem: a deeply ingrained aversion to telling people I stammer. I would endlessly rehearse interactions beforehand – and often still do – and I have a knack for being able to come up with a dozen permutations of the same sentence.
And applying for jobs (of which nearly all designate “fluency/excellent communication skills” as a prerequisite for success) was a similarly nightmarish experience. When I stammered on Zoom, the question of whether the connection was poor was unavoidable. Name badges were instruments of hope “ice-breakers” would induce a feeling of impending doom.
